Lynette Chiang
This is a floor pump rant. Delete now or vent with me in unison.
I can't believe it.
I get home last night late after trying to fix the flats on both my
Crusoe and the showroom Pro Petite.
What should have taken me just a few minutes (even if I was not using
the Jim Langley leverless tire removal technique) took over an hour,
and I still left with deflated tires. Why? Frigging floor pumps.
And as if by divine cosmic resonance, the first YAK! listserve item of
the day is all about ... floor pumps!
I don't know who is responsible for designing floorpumps, but if I get
a hold of him (it's gotta be a him, women would not put up with a
gadget that poops out just by looking at it) I shall insert the long
tube somewhere narrow and I will not even remove the valve first. And
I'll continue inserting it until the entire pump has disappeared into
the place it belongs.
At Bike Friday, we go through floor pumps like people go through
Pringles ...
I am talking Topeak, Jo Blow, Specialized ... especially those Topeak
guys who have a nerve to put out so many different models with names
like Turbo blaster only to have them break and dent and augment our
landfill.
They break. They always break. They break just by looking at them.
It's the bit that goes on the valve that seems to break.
It goes PSSSSHHHHHHTTTTTT! when you're trying to pump no matter what
you do.
The fast you pump, the more it goes PSSSSHHHHTT!
So you clamp it tighter and end up bending that spindly presta valve
thingo. And then you can't bend the @#$% thing back.
And then you go plunge plunge plunge and it's like trying to push down
on a overpumped beach ball.
You know what I'm talking about - the gauge swings up to 100 psi and
the tire's still flat.
Oh yeah, we have a compressor at Bike Friday, but the compressor was
off, and the Service guys say it only pumps up to around 80 psi - they
110psi tires have to be lovingly pumped by hand.
I notice that the array of pumps that once graced the front room, have
since been spirited away to that great landfill in the sky .. and
there's a fancy Italian-made one there now. Silva?
It looks like something someone with a name like Cippolini would use.
Black. Chrome. A wooden handle. And a big, brass valve. Sexy.
You stick it on. It's supposed to suck on without any lever to lock it
on. It looks promising.
Pump pump pump. PSSSSHHHHHHTTTT!
I give up.
No matter how fast they make bikes, carbon uber fiber whatever, the
thing that slows you down faster than Lance with diarrhea sprinting for
the restroom is a flat.
I wish they'd stop putting all that effort into fishbone-weight frame
technology and garishly patterned rims and colored spoke nipples and
improve tires and yes, pumps.
I know why they do it - to keep us purchasing pumps so they can stay in
business. Like batteries. Batteries have a calibrated life so you keep
coming back to buy more.
I am going to try the mouth to valve technique. It's gotta work better
than this.
Sorry for the rant. I was going let Fred the BF Snitch rant about this
but the YAK is just to easy to vent on. Feel free forward this to every
pump manufacturer you know and tell them I am coming to get them with
plunger poised.
Lynette
Lynette Chiang, Bike Friday World Traveler
http://www.galfromdownunder.com
PERU trip: http://www.bikefriday.com/bf/galfromdownunder-peru2004
THE HANDSOMEST MAN IN CUBA USA Edition
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