Bryan-@aol.com
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This is supposed to be a humorous rebuttal. If you have no sense of humor,
just delete it, don't flame me later.
To the young NW bound woman cyclist (long hair, yellow jersey) on Skyline,
Sunday noonish who remarked "nice arms" (you know who you are :-) I was down
the hill before I was aware what you said and had a chance to reply: I was
too tired to go back up...
Young Grasshopper,
The attainment of such arms is an art thousands of years old , the knowledge
of which is held within the small circle of a few. I am compelled to pen
these words before my arms are too weak to type or write the secrets I hold.
Any dedicated hill-climbing specialist may attain the nirvana of "arms of an
anorexic woman marathoner" (hey, these are the words of friend's wife, not
mine!), but it takes years of focus and absolutely minimal work. Here are
SOME of my secrets:
Never lift anything heavier than a pen! If you do, you might actually tear
the 3 or 4 muscle fibers that you have. Pale, sun-starved muscle
physiologists in small dark labs warn us that scar tissue is likely heavier
and larger than normal muscle and it'll look funny. At home, it is
imperative to train one's feet to handle utensils for eating and power tools
for home and bike repairs. One can even learn to tie fishing lures with
toes. When possible, puree your food in a blender and drink it with a straw
to avoid actually lifting utensils. Better yet is the new generation of
energy replacement foods, you never have to chew again and those unsightly
jaw muscles will waste away (more weight savings and a cool cheeks-drawn-in
look). Buy the newer smaller cell phones, they're much lighter than those
old HEAVY cells and less likely to injury you or possibly give you
tendinitis. But if you do get tendinitis, I know someone who will put your
arm in a sling for 6 or more months "to rest it" so it'll heal. BONUS: the
sling means absolutely no work! And he'll give you a note for work to get you
out of any/all work activities. That means better more smaller arms and more
training recuperation time at work! Of course, try to get tendinitis in both
arms so your clothes look more balanced and you don't just pedal in circles
with the one still usable but too weak to actually steer arm. Speaking of
slings, those hospital beds with the overhead rails are invaluable . Try this
at night, have someone tie your arm up in a suspended position. This'll make
it harder for blood and thus nutrients to get up into the arm and feed any
muscle fibers which means more atrophy. Remember, atrophy is good so
anabolic steroids are very bad! I repeat, anabolic (building) steroids are
very bad. But on the other hand, catabolic (breaking down) steroids are
grrrreat. Weeks before a serious hillclimb, go get yourself a really nasty
case of Oregon's finest poison oak or sumac. Then go to your doctor and get
yourself some oral corticosteroids (pronounced catabolic) and watch the
muscle just melt away faster than someone with their stomach stapled or who
is on one those low-carb, high fat/high protein diets. Speaking of diets, no
diet (that means not eating) is best. And with the money you save from not
eating, you can buy a really lightweight and expensive bike: like mine!
Good luck,
See ya at Larch Mtn.
Bryan
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<HTML><FONT FACE=arial,helvetica><FONT SIZE=2>This is supposed to be a humorous rebuttal. If you have no sense of humor, just delete it, don't flame me later.
<BR>To the young NW bound woman cyclist (long hair, yellow jersey) on Skyline, Sunday noonish who remarked "nice arms" (you know who you are :-) I was down the hill before I was aware what you said and had a chance to reply: I was too tired to go back up...
<BR>
<BR>Young Grasshopper,
<BR>
<BR>The attainment of such arms is an art thousands of years old , the knowledge of which is held within the small circle of a few. I am compelled to pen these words before my arms are too weak to type or write the secrets I hold.
<BR>
<BR>Any dedicated hill-climbing specialist may attain the nirvana of "arms of an anorexic woman marathoner" (hey, these are the words of friend's wife, not mine!), but it takes years of focus and absolutely minimal work. Here are SOME of my secrets:
<BR>
<BR>Never lift anything heavier than a pen! If you do, you might actually tear the 3 or 4 muscle fibers that you have. Pale, sun-starved muscle physiologists in small dark labs warn us that scar tissue is likely heavier and larger than normal muscle and it'll look funny. At home, it is imperative to train one's feet to handle utensils for eating and power tools for home and bike repairs. One can even learn to tie fishing lures with toes. When possible, puree your food in a blender and drink it with a straw to avoid actually lifting utensils. Better yet is the new generation of energy replacement foods, you never have to chew again and those unsightly jaw muscles will waste away (more weight savings and a cool cheeks-drawn-in look). Buy the newer smaller cell phones, they're much lighter than those old HEAVY cells and less likely to injury you or possibly give you tendinitis. But if you do get tendinitis, I know someone who will put your arm in a sling for 6 or more months "to rest it" so it'll heal. BONUS: the sling means absolutely no work! And he'll give you a note for work to get you out of any/all work activities. That means better more smaller arms and more training recuperation time at work! Of course, try to get tendinitis in both arms so your clothes look more balanced and you don't just pedal in circles with the one still usable but too weak to actually steer arm. Speaking of slings, those hospital beds with the overhead rails are invaluable . Try this at night, have someone tie your arm up in a suspended position. This'll make it harder for blood and thus nutrients to get up into the arm and feed any muscle fibers which means more atrophy. Remember, atrophy is good so anabolic steroids are very bad! I repeat, anabolic (building) steroids are very bad. But on the other hand, catabolic (breaking down) steroids are grrrreat. Weeks before a serious hillclimb, go get yourself a really nasty case of Oregon's finest poison oak or sumac. Then go to your doctor and get yourself some oral corticosteroids (pronounced catabolic) and watch the muscle just melt away faster than someone with their stomach stapled or who is on one those low-carb, high fat/high protein diets. Speaking of diets, no diet (that means not eating) is best. And with the money you save from not eating, you can buy a really lightweight and expensive bike: like mine!
<BR>
<BR>Good luck,
<BR>See ya at Larch Mtn.
<BR>Bryan </FONT>
</HTML>
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