Joe Zauner

Could ED be the downfall
of the hipster?

New study suggest the
subculture will soon be extinct

By Joe Zauner

(PORTLAND, Ore.) A study
soon to be published in the scientific journal Natural Science suggests that the
subculture known as hipster defined by tight jeans and fixed geared bicycles
will soon be extinct.

German cultural
anthologist Wilhelm Friedrich Schmidt studied the hipsters of inner Southeast
Portland, Ore., for five months in 2011. His study suggests that the males of
this group are mostly unable to reproduce and thus unlikely to pass on their
hipster heritage.

Of 350 subjects we
studied, 98 percent were unable to impregnate deir Frulein counterparts due
to de erectile dysfunction (dED), Schmidt said. This is a unique American
subculture but unfortunately one in decline.

Schmidt initially
believed that the fixed gear bicycle the obligatory hipster fashion accessory
was largely to blame for the lack of blood flow to the critical male
reproductive regions.

He said 95 percent of
the male hipsters studied were never properly fitted to their bicycle. His team
of scientists theorized that a combination of a high saddle height, no crotch
padding (73 percent didnt wear a chamois or underwear; 23 percent opted for a
thong) and the constant downward tugging from the fixed gearing was to blame
for the high rates of ED.

And dont forget de
high pressure tires and de potholes, Schmidt said. Its like riding a cement
pogo stick. Dis creates too much pounding on de, how do you Americans say de ball
sack?

Schmidt said initially he
and his colleagues were confident that the Cement Pogo Stick Theory
(CPST) in conjunction with Nut Hugging Jeans (NHJ) were the sole explanations
for the lack of circulation to de ball sack. But, after thousands of hours of
research, a pathological profile emerged.

CPST and NHJ were less than
significant factors in de hipsters inability to achieve de wood, he said. As
it turns out, de real problem was deir obsession with de environment. Basically,
day are so worried about de global warming and dese types of issues dat day cant
even jackoff anymore.

According to Schmidt,
one hipster he studied was worried that a weather balloon he filled with farts (a
measured he believed was saving the ozone) might ignite and engulf his
neighborhood in a Hiroshima-like fireball. Another hipster who owned an SUV as
a teen was trying to counteract its carbon footprint by raising chickens in hermetically
sealed pens and capturing their emissions in weather balloons that he hoped would
one day carry nuclear waste to the sun.

Still another hipster
was haunted by the act of accidently triggering an automatically-flushing
public toilet.

When he walked away it
flushed, Schmidt said. It was yellow and dus meant to, how do you say mellow?
In protest he now urinates on de sides of da newly constructed firehouses at de
rural bicycle races south of Portland. We have yet to figure dis last part out
completely.

Schmidt said that
fashion choices, too, caused enough worriment to preclude the necessary blood
flow. He said topping the list of perceived fashion faux pas was the inability
to hold a track stand for the duration of a traffic signal and the accidental
wearing of relax-fit jeans.

Beer selections also
played a role in the hipsters flaccidity, according to Schmidt.

Dese men, despite the
fact dat day live in a city dat prides itself on producing some of the most
sought after microbrews on de planet, drink de PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon), he
said. One man we interviewed would excuse himself at parties, take his can of de
PBR to the bathroom, pour it in de toilet and then refill de PBR can with the
microbrew of his choice.

He said this man was so
guilt ridden by the combination of wasting a liquid with agricultural-irrigation potential while at the same time drinking something
other than PBR that he couldnt get it up with de crane in de 360-pornorama
cinema complex.

Schmidt recently
received funding from the federal government to continue his research of the hipster.
He said the Johnny Depp Hipster Rehabilitation Center, a shovel ready project
replete with a 360-pornorama cinema research center, will be completed in
December of 2012.

But he wasnt sure if
rehabilitation measures could save de hipster.

The first step is for dese
pretty boys to admit dey have a problem outside deir obvious eating disorders,
but I do not tink dey like dese words, he said. Dey are de LDHD (Limp Dick
Hipsters in Denial). Weve offered free bike fittings and endless video
evidence provided by de American Fox News channel assuring de hipster that
global warming is full of nonsense all dis but dey dont take de medicine.

Dean is a 36-year-old
self-described hipster with a Nishiki fixie he believes Nelson Vails used to
win gold at the 1984 Olympics cycling road race. According to Schmidt, Dean epitomizes
the LDHD.

What am I supposed to
do? Dean said. Stop worrying about cranking
flawless track stands on Nishiki Nelson? Stop pissing on the fire-MANs house? Fold
up my weather balloons and let the one-percenters protect the environment? Thats
just not going to happen, dude.

Deans girlfriend, Astrid,
is 19. She is a fan of the Rose City Rollers and pounding a PBR outside of
Lardo, the newest Portland hipster hangout. She loves her pink Wal-Mart Thruster
fixie, her new Cross Crusade tattoo and, Oh yeah, bitch! she loves her hipster
man.

So what if hes not the
complete package? she said. Hes still my man. If he stopped worrying about
his track stand, he wouldnt be my man. If he stopped pissing on the fire-MANs
house, he wouldnt be my man. And if he didnt make me and everyone who lives
in our InnySoPo (Inner Southeast Porltland) home fart into a weather balloon,
then he wouldnt be my man.

--30--

Q&A with Dean and
Astrid:

(Reporters note: I sat down with hipsters Dean
and Astrid for an interview in their InnySoPo home. Dean was late. He suffered a
bicycle crash less than an hour earlier. He came through the door holding his
arm. Astrid jumped up. Dean had tangled a weather balloon in the rear cog of
his fixie.)

Dean: I was doing the
track stand and it got caught up in my rear cog and I didnt realize it. I
started pedaling and it kept getting wound up tighter and tighter until it was
like this rubber band effect and the next thing I know the pedals are going backwards
and Im going backwards. I flew into the crowd outside Lardo. They were lucky.
We all were. People were smoking. Farts ignite. Ill recover but there was more
than two weeks of farts in that balloon. Now its eroding the ozone. I think
the sun feels hotter now than it did before the accident. Does the sun feel
hotter to you? It happened at about noon. Did you notice it getting hotter
around that time? It definitely feels hotter now.

Astrid: I bet theres a
giant ozone hole above Portland right now. Hell yeah its getting hotter. I
told you we should make a saddle version of the weather balloon underwear. (They are trying to patent the concept of
recouping farts to save the ozone.)

Dean: It wont work
because you have to stand on the pedals to keep up with these bitch ass bike
racers and their gears.

Astrid: Did you know
theres an 11-speed?

Dean: Plus a triple on
the front makes it 33-speeds. These guys need 33-speeds. Ive got one. One gear
to rule them all.

Reporter: So, whats up
with the weather balloons?

Dean: I knew it. Every
reporter wants to know about the weather balloons. Typical conservative media bullshit.
Go back to Fox News, asshole.

Astrid: Lame stream
media. Were protecting the environment, fuck face. What are you doing? Working
for Rupert Murdock? Are you tapping our cell phones, you fucking pig?

Reporter: Well, its
just that farting isnt something new to the environment.

Dean: Sure. Of course.
People like to point that out. They say, but didnt the Native Americans fart?
What about dinosaurs? Didnt dinosaurs cut huge farts? And no, because farts
arent always proportional to the size of the thing farting so a big dinosaur
doesnt equal a big fart But of course. They all farted. Im sure Columbus farted
and all pilgrims farted. But if you filled a weather balloon with all their
farts it wouldnt be a tenth of the farts a herd of Mexican cattle produce in
10 minutes. Consider that, dude.

Astrid: Consider the
population density, man. Think of all those Chinese people. They fart too. Deans
patenting a pair of underwear to protect the environment from farts. What are
you doing? Soon everyone will be wearing his underwear. Cows too. Because, if
we dont do something about the fucking farts, the environment is going down
like a cheap whore behind a dumpster.

Dean: (To Astrid) God I love you. (To the reporter) Well all be frying
like bacon in a pan if someone doesnt do something about the farts. Its just
a fact. (Pause) Its made out of recycled rubber (the underwear). Its tight, dude. No
escaped farts. Everything is recouped.

Reporter: Is it true
your hope is to use the balloons to float nuclear waste to the sun.

Dean: Wow. Low blow,
dude. Low blow. Again, typical conservative media shit. Yes Hannity. I know it sounds improbable but
thats by todays technological standards. I really hope we can do it. Think
about it. The farts: gone. The nuclear waste: gone. Its a win win. But if we
cant do it Im sure the scientific minds of tomorrow will know what to do with
the farts of today. And Ill be sitting on them (the farts) when they do. Thousands of cubic meters of pure farts.

Astrid: Come Frida! (A dog walks over trailing a small weather
balloon.) Everyone in this house gives to the balloon. Even our dog. So
either fill the balloon or get out, reporter man.

Dean: Yeah. Fill the
balloon, reporter man.

--30--