Tuesday's ride with Jim

Joe Zauner

2012-11-27

(Writer’s note: Tuesday’s ride with Jim is a fictitious serial that appears sporadically on Tuesday. The first four installments are here.)

TST

I’m at the Tahuya-Seaback-Tahuya Road Race near the Olympic
Peninsula. It’s April, 2001. It’s misting cold rain. Jim is not here. My heart aches
and it’s because I miss him. It’s been more than four years since I last saw my
brother. I called everyone. No one knows where he’s at. Somewhere in the world he
is lost and I wish only for his return.

The last I saw him was in Louisville, Ky. I was stationed
nearby at Fort Knox. He followed me there after his Other Than Honorable Discharge
from the Army. When my ETS paperwork came through I left for a civilian newspaper
job in North Carolina. He stayed. Self-employed, building web sites, and then
gone without a trace. Apartment, clothes, almost everything left behind. This
wasn’t the first time Jim disappeared. It was the second. The first time was in
twelfth grade. Gone three weeks from our home near Gainesville, Fla., he sent
me a letter from Seattle. He said he wanted to see the Northwest for himself:

“…It’s
amazing… Clean air… Mountains… Well intentioned
people… There is a bird here called the Steller’s Jay. It’s crested like a cardinal
but with dark electric-blue plumage fading to a deeper and deeper black.
They’re so smart. I saw three hopping around a loaf of bread at a city park in
Portland full of tall conifers. Six big crows flew in and pushed them off but Steller’s
Jays don’t back down. What they lacked in size they made up for in tenacity and
planning. They were faster on the ground than the crows in the air and once they
knew it the Steller’s Jays had a field day. The crows went insane chasing the Steller’s
Jays who skittered about but wouldn’t leave the ground. They kept looping back
picking off whole slices while the crows were still in the air. Then they’d fly
to nearby trees to hide each piece. They did this until the loaf was gone. Any
other bird would’ve given up. Out here I’ve learned not to give up and to always
try. Don’t give up, brother. And always try. It’s beautiful out here in the
world. You’ll come out and see it one day. Your friend and brother, Jim.”

I read it twice in Mrs. Plant’s first period English class
and again in Algebra. I could hear his voice. It was the first time he’d ever
called me brother. The first time he ever invited me out into the world. Where
was he now? I wish I knew.

(On a hot spring day
in the gated community of Rancho Santa Fe a young man in simple attire steps from
a 1997 Dodge Caravan, destination stickers still on the passenger window, new
car smell, temporary tags. A Top-10 pick that year by Car and Driver. He
carries a note pad in the palm of his hand. He writes as he walks down the driveway
to a mansion overlooking the city of San Diego. Elevation: high enough to snow.

A woman marches across
the neighbor’s plush lawn holding a plate covered with foil. She is undocumented,
Mexican, compact build, purposeful strides, a maid’s uniform, heavily accented
speech. She calls out, “Yeem! Yeem!” But she means Jim. He stops, turns and
smiles.

“They say you are
leaving us,” she says.

“Yes. We should all be
gone in the next three days starting tonight.”

“It is so sad.”

“Don’t be sad. New
beginnings are happy times. This will be a much better situation for all of us.”

“I hope so. Your
people have been so nice. Look, I bake you some cookies for the trip,” she says
extending the plate.

“You are such a
sweetheart.”

He takes the cookies
through a garage with stacked bags of beans and rice pushed against the walls and
into an expansive stainless steel kitchen where only a picnic table and two
people sit in folding chairs. One is an old man. The other a young woman. Both
with tightly cropped hair. They are working in front of computer screens. The
old man looks up.

“Jim, I can’t get this
image to work.”

Leaning over the old
man’s shoulder, balancing the plate in the palm of his hand, the young man studies
the screen and says, “You’re missing an equals sign in your H-ref.”

The old man types,
saves, drags the document from the desktop to an IE icon and drops. A web page
opens. The image appears.

“It’s always the
simple stuff,” the old man says and then adds, “Hey, the alarm guy stopped by today.
He turned everything off except the fire and carbon monoxide detectors. He said
those are with a different company. He wrote the number down.”

The old man hands the
young man a business card with a number on the back.

“Thanks. I’m sure Do
will want me to turn that off as well. Speaking of Do, where is the Shooby Doobster?”

The young woman
giggles. The old man smiles.

“Don’t let him hear
you call him that.”)

We roll off the line and get up to speed. A pack of 75 mostly
Northwest Pro 1-2s. Sixty-five miles lay ahead. Normally this is Kenny Williams
race to win but there’s a couple guys here of note. One is Todd Littlehales. He’s
a professional two-time national champion. I’ve never met a national champion
who wasn’t at least bad ass. I’m pedaling next to him and I can sense his
presence. A minute passes and I look over. He means business. He has a
connection to his bike and its purpose that I can’t understand. I fade back
five wheels, maybe six before I shake the feeling of inadequacy. I remind
myself that he is not my competition today. I do understand though, he is one
of the guys who will decide how hard this race is going to be.

We’re climbing. We’ve been climbing almost since the start.
It’s shallow and I don’t notice until I see the first guy going backwards. Then
another. They’re in over their heads. This is nothing like the hard part. Nothing
like the steep pitches that make this race harrowing. But I’m fine. I’ve been fine
lately. Tuesday was the fastest ever for me three times over Repeat Hill. And as
I see two more guys going backwards I believe I can finish in the big group
today. The big group today. There
might be 20 guys in the big group today.

(An older gentleman
stands in the Mansion’s backyard. He looks out over San Diego. His arms are
crossed behind his waist. Dressed in white, he holds a Walkman. He’s almost
always holding a Walkman. The headphones dangle around his neck. It’s another
hot spring day and sweat rolls off his shaved head. His stubble is gray. He is
slim. A runner’s build at 65-years-old. He is pensive. Sure of a decision but
not its details. The young man walks up from behind.

“Do, how are you?”

“Jim, my son. I am happy
but sad. You have been a part of us in some way for almost 10 years. Yet you
are not coming?”

“No.”

“I trust our secrets
are safe?”

“I have given my
word.”

“I wish you would
reconsider.”

“It’s enticing but I
like it here for now,” the young man says.

“Here? This place is
hell. I wish you were joining us. We could use you. You’ve been right about so
many things. HTML.”

“Pretty easy, isn’t
it?”

“A trained chimp. It
was true. But now we exceed our needs and a window of opportunity presents
itself. I pray that you reconsider. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.”

“I know but I’m going
to have to pass. I’ll help with the transition but I won’t be making the trip.”

“I understand. Did you
get your mini-van?”

“I did. Thank you,” the
young man says turning to walk away.

“Oh and Jim. Could you
see to it the carbon monoxide and fire alarms are turned off?

The young man takes his
note pad out, “Consider it done.”)

I’m in the vacuum of the peloton now, descending off the
first climb. It’s straight, shallow, non-technical. I’m coasting at more than
40 mph but it is not easy. The peloton is heaving like a city bus with a bad
transmission. It started earlier when we crested the climb but it has gotten worse.
Guys are overlapping wheels, charging the front like bulls. The speed is erratic.
I’m funneling into a tighter and tighter space. Some kid’s derailleur is too close
to the spokes of my front wheel. Brakes squeal. Mayhem. And then I hear it.

My peripheral sensory tunes up full. Somebody is screaming bloody
murder behind and they stop midstream after smacking the pavement. At the point
of impact the sound of equipment (like bottles
of beer) and bodies (like sacks of
dirt) hitting the blacktop radiate. A wood chipper inhaling riders without discrimination
moves in my direction. I’m on the wrong side of an overlapped wheel. Someone pushes
hard on my hip. I’m going down. I know it. I unclip from my pedal. And then the
pushing stops and the guy on my hip slams the pavement with such force that I
hear the wind expelled from his lungs. I swear I feel a warm gust hit the back
of my calf.

And that feeling persists and everything else is quiet
except for the hiss of skinny tires on moist asphalt. A third the field is all
over the road behind me. It’s surreal. A relief. I take inventory. I have time
to think. I am glad not to be in the group behind. They are far enough from the
first climb so chasing is an endeavor they will surely undertake but it’s going
to drive the strength from their legs. There can’t be too many guys back there
who can afford to do that.

Littlehales? Williams? Were they behind me? I can’t remember.
Where did I see them last? They could have easily slipped backwards without my notice.
But slip backwards. These guys don’t
slip backwards in regional races. They’re still near the front somewhere.

(Inside the mansion
people are walking to the living room, quietly sitting on the floor. In total
there are 40 souls. Before them Do stands. Headphones around his neck.

“Brothers and sisters,
take a seat. This is a big day. The first wave moves out in 10 minutes and we
will start this process. Tomorrow the second wave and the day after that, the
third. On the third day we will all be together and working towards our higher
purpose. In my hand I have a list of names belonging to those who will leave in
the first wave. I will use your real names and it will be the last time you
hear them.”

Do reads the list: “Thomas
Nichols, Bonnie Nettles, Sherry O’Donnell…”)

It’s smooth going now. The crash was a catharsis, a reminder
that not just glory but skin and bone are on the line here. Holly Hill is the
first big climb. It’s about three kilometers in length. I can see it forming a
ridgeline to my left. The first half of the race, the easy half, is done. We’re
moving. Trucking even. Downhill left hander on Holly Hill Road coming up. I
watch the front of the group barrel through the turn. I am halfway from the front
when the chasers from the crash behind overtake our backend. Soon after, mayhem
ensues. There are 10 guys from the group behind whose emotions are jacked from the
chase and they are committed to finding the front of the race. For them, dropping
down a gear is not an option. They are carrying their speed through the peloton.
They’re looking over at each other, racing each other. It’s fucking crazy.

We’re through the left hand turn now and immediately onto
Holly Hill. It’s like a Forest Service road. The wood line ends at the
shoulder. Blacktop, chip sealed. There’s no yellow line and for about 300
meters there’s no yellow-line rule that I can discern. The road fills with
riders. At the top of the first stair-step traffic is stopped on our left. Riders
cut back in just before the flagger. It’s insane.

I am sitting on Kirt Willetts’s wheel. Not a bad place to be.
He’s so small but boy can he climb. Jim held the leader’s jersey at the Vuelta
a Costa in Columbia just after the Gulf War. He said the Columbian pros there,
they looked like juniors, like little kids. He won the prologue and the next
day the course was flat and he said he looked down on them and felt shame for
pushing them off wheels in the crosswinds. He said they were childlike until
you got close and saw they had the weathered faces of 30-year-old professional
cyclists. He said people on the street, when he was wearing the jersey riding back
to the hotel, they said to him, just wait for tomorrow. You just wait and see.
You won’t be wearing that jersey.

And tomorrow came and it was the first climbing stage. There
were three climbs. The first he had no problems riding at the front. The second
was a little harder, but there he was, comfortable. A little ways up the third climb
he began to realize the first two ascents were done at something like a warm-up
pace. In nine kilometers the leaders took four minutes from him. The next day,
the new race leader wouldn’t even acknowledge him.

Willett is my Columbian. He will roll out the red carpet to
the front of this race or at least the most comfortable place my fitness will allow.
In his Prime Alliance kit he is a lure and I am a dumb big mouth bass. By the
time I realize he’s not taking the race seriously it’s too late. I’m on the
right side of his wheel overlapped and he is pulling off gradually to the right
and taking me with him. Guys are going around like we are glued to the
pavement. He gets drilled in the ribs with an elbow. He’s done. He’s getting off
his bike.

(Do announces the names
and each member stands.

“… Sherry O’Donnell…”

A tall, slender woman,
black hair, blue eyes climbs to her feet. Her smile is nervous. Like a child waiting
for a ride at Disney World. She gazes over the heads of those seated below and then
to Do. Her smile deepens and her shoulders relax. Her gaze is fixed on him
until another name is read and another member stands, blocking her view. Her
eyes wander across the faces seated below. She smiles at each until she comes
to the young man and then a frown and she looks away into an abyss.

Do is watching this.
He has been aware of a relationship between these two for weeks. He knows
because he’s felt it in himself and sees these feelings in the young man. He
thought, after his castration, that feelings for worldly desires would go away
and mostly they did, but Sherry is sweet, stunning, a goddess. He is
protective, wary. She is not for this world but only after the voyage is
complete. He wants her to himself.)

I’m off the back climbing Holly Hill. My decision to follow
Willett has put me in a hole. The big group is 15 seconds ahead. There are five,
maybe six guys in between and it looks like we’re going to catch most of them. I’m
tired but I’m not tapped. I’m with another six guys. I’m 34-years-old. There’s
a couple guys here my age who aren’t doing so well. They won’t make it. I can tell.
Their posture. They’re chopping at the pedals. And it’s too bad. I know guys
this age, if they’ve been racing a while, they know how to roll a rotating
paceline.

A rotating paceling. It’s the most effective way to make
time over flat or downhill roads. You’ve got have at least five guys to do it
right. Four guys? Not enough. Not for a long steady haul. Two guys on the left going
a little slower than two guys on the right. The whole thing rotating counter
clockwise if the wind is from the left. With a fifth rider, there’s always someone
pushing wind from the space between the two lines. If you’re reasonably tight,
the air between the two lines: it moves with you. The exposure is cut almost in
half. Just the outside is getting buffeted by wind. With four riders, maybe you
can make it work for a short clip, but you better be tight. Three riders? Doable,
yes but only for short explosive efforts and only if you’re touching elbows like
it’s a TTT.

I’m thinking about jumping, considering crossing alone because
I don’t like the make up this this group. There’s still 500 meters to the top of
Holly Hill and the big group is close enough to throw a Nerf football across
to, but it’s going to tap me and I might not make it anyway. I see Steve
Higgins. He sees me and he’s nodding his head yes. I learn later he dropped his
chain at the foot of the hill. He’s strong and good at calculating these
things. At 44, he’s got more than 100 pro-level races in him. There’s also a
big guy who looks like he might be an engine in the chase. He’s younger, but
it’s an established team he’s on. Broadmark Capital. He looks smooth and powerful,
but heavy. Maybe 180 pounds. Looks like he could kill it in a crit. Like
Higgins, I begin nodding my head too. I like this group and I decide to bank my
chances with it.

We tip over the top of the climb. Someone yells, “EEEleven
seconds!” The Big Guy takes the helm. He is chugging. I was right. He’s good. We
are hauling 34 mph downhill but the big group is going just as fast. Single
file in front of us. We will not make it back until they slow down and spread
out across the road. The Big Guy pulls left after more than a minute. He is strong,
an emotional kid and he barks, “You better not fucking jump me. You better not
fucking jump.”

It’s the furthest thing from my mind. I take a good pull at
the same speed but for less than half his duration. It’s all I can do. Higgins
pulls through and does the same. The next guy solo attacks. What is he thinking? I’m too tired to ask.
The next guy pulls through and immediately swings left. Another does the same. Four
more are sitting on the paceline and not because they’re waiting to play their
cards. I can see. They have no cards to play. And so I rotate through again. And
then Higgins. And then the two who just swing off and then Big Guy hits the
front hard. Another 30-plus mph pull for more than a minute. Halfway through
his pull we catch the solo attacker going backwards. Haggard. Mouth agape. He
does not look well.

Big Guys says in a nasty whisper, “You’re a fucking imbecile.”

(In the living room,
everyone stands. The announced ten surround Do and everyone else surrounds
them. Do is lightly touching their heads with his fingertips when he shouts,
“Rejoice!” Members embrace the ten and then disperse. They move like robots.
Like under a spell. They’re not always like this. Out in the world they’re just
as normal as can be. Doing business. Closing deals. Bemoaning the Padres.

The young man watches.
Sherry is robotic as well and she walks past inches away. She will not look at
him. He already knows this.

She wasn’t happy when he
showed up at The Ranch six months ago. She didn’t recognize him at first, the
father of her only child. Three days passed and he approached. She looked
straight into his face without recognition for more than a minute shaking her
head until something inside broke like water and she fell crying uncontrollably
on the kitchen floor. Members ran in but quickly left. It was nothing out of
the ordinary. A day seldom passed when a Heaven’s Gate member didn’t collapse
into tears somewhere on The Ranch.

It was another week before
he talked to her again. She would not say a word, would not listen but she knew
why he was there. She hadn’t thought about it for so long and he didn’t say the
word, but she knew. He was there to take her home.)

It’s 10 minutes and we are still chasing. I’m tired and
having doubts. Nothing has changed: 11 seconds behind mostly a single-file peloton;
the Big Guy taking long hard pulls; Higgins and I pulling roughly half his
load; two guys just rotating through and the rest sitting on. I’m on the Big
Guy’s wheel when he looks over his shoulder squarely into my eyes. It is jarring
but to his front I see what he sees. The field is spread across the road. A
steep sprinter’s hill rises in front of them. The Big Guy taps his hip. I look
over my shoulder at Higgins and tap mine. He nods. We’re going across.

The Big Guy is letting a wheel length open between him and
the rider in front. The guy to his left-front cocks his head at the same time
Big Guy stands on it.

And I stand on it.

And Higgins stands on it.

And we are flying up through the paceline and there is
nothing they can do. Two guys hang their heads as we hammer by. I know it’s not
right, but after we’re clear I look back for just a second. One guy is pounding
the top of his bars with his fist. The rest are spread across the road looking
at each other, trying to understand what just happened and hoping someone can
do something about it.

But no one answers the call.

I’m spinning up to speed, a sprint to Big Guy’s wheel. I’m locked
on now but it isn’t easy and I hurt and he does another long hard pull that gets
us halfway across. I come through. My legs have something but they won’t last long
at this speed. I have to swing off. Higgins comes through. He’s in about the
same shape. Big Guy pulls through and now we’re rotating. Our wheels,
shoulders, hips are inches apart. We’re tight despite great fatigue. Big Guy
comes through and I accelerate off his wheel and swing off for the fourth time.
“It’s do or die,” he says as I go by. “Do or die.” Higgins comes through. Then
the Big Guy again and this time he brings us up to speed. He aims to close it.
I’m in the drops, head down looking at his rear hub when I see a lone rider
from the big group under my shoulder going backwards. Then another. I can tell
we’re on the hill now but I see only the hub. I’m fixated on it.

It’s red. Mavic Helium. Flangeless. Beautiful. One of my
favorites. I like the way the stainless steel straight-pull spokes radiate from
the hub body. And I like the brushed finish and I’m about 15 seconds from
blowing up and I can’t believe this guy is still pulling.

He’s carrying our speed into the group, staying in the
saddle and then standing and then suddenly he’s over extended. I can see it.
He’s chopping at his pedals. It’s getting ugly. I have to go around or lose
momentum. I want to put my hand in the small of his back and push but if I do I’ll
push myself right out the back of this group. I go by him. There’s nothing I
can say or do. A war veteran told me once that even good guys die on the battlefield.
Those words echo through my head as I find a place in the group now on the
downhill and I take a second to mourn the loss of Big Guy. He will live to
fight another day. Just not this day.

(Do stands in the
living room, arms outstretched. He smiles as the young man approaches.

“I thought Sherry was
going in the third wave?”

“It has changed,” Do
says. “She is looking forward to her voyage. And I am looking forward to
joining her.”

“But we talked. I need
her design skills. On that project before she leaves. You know I’m not a
designer. I don’t have that eye.”

“Jim, Tom is the
better designer. He leaves on the third wave. Use him… And Jim. Rejoice. Send
your brothers and sisters off with a smile. They’re leaving in 10 minutes and
you’ll never see them again. Pull yourself together and come wish them well.”)

I am tucked in the draft of the peloton. Near the front it
is dicey but not too hard. We are crossing an open space. It’s a clear cut. The
Hood Canal is near but there is no wind. There are maybe 40 riders left. Dewato
Hill is our next objective. After that it’s smooth sailing, mostly downhill, ten
kilometers to the finish. But getting over Dewato with the group will not be
easy for me. There are guys here who will flatten this climb. Russell Stevenson
or maybe the new kid from Oregon, Evan Elken. My name isn’t on the list. Even
fresh I can’t climb at the pace these guys will ascend this hill. My legs are
feeling it. Earlier I told myself that the chase did me good. Cleared things
out. But as the words formed my head I knew it was not true. Even if everything
had gone perfectly, this course, like my first wife, does not forgive.

If Holly Hill is the bookend on the left Dewato is the one
on the right. In between are the Books of
Cycling: The Book of Crosswinds; The Book of Sprinter Hills; The Book of Slick Roads; The Book of Crossed Wheels. Each tells a
rider’s story, sometimes tortured. But these narratives fall on deaf ears. No one is around for miles. If the roads here are
for any purpose other than servicing the forests, it’s a mystery to me. No
homes. No farms. Just Mother Nature
stretching her lovely, strong, unforgiving arms in every direction.

Last year I made it to Dewato in the big group. Maybe there
were 40 of us left. I rode a perfect race. Felt good. Dodged crashes. Chased
back on twice but when I got to Dewato it was one hill too many and I got dropped
halfway up. I was alone, chasing a chase group that was behind a chase group chasing
a chase group. Now Dewato towers in front of me. We are at her foot and I pray
to the cycling Gods. A feeling develops in the pit of my stomach. I’m not sure
I can do this.

(It’s evening at The
Ranch. The young man stands in the kitchen, palms down on the granite counter,
head hung but not defeated. Like a cyclist in a race over his head, he’s
looking for a wheel.

In less than 10 minutes
10 souls will form a line. They will be dressed in black sweat suits and
wearing matching Nikes. They will take a handful of capsules. Cyanide and arsenic.
They will wash them down with vodka, lie in bunks and wait for their voyage to
begin.

A call to the police
would delay only the inevitable. Somewhere in outer space there’s another comet
on its way. The voyage would be rescheduled. The flock would tell the police
whatever Do told them to tell the police. The capsules? Down the toilet. The
young man knows his mentor. There’s always a backup plan. Always an escape
route.

The stakes are high.
The wheels are flying by. He’s looking for one moving at the right speed. Wasn’t
there something he was supposed to do? He pulls the notepad from his pocket. “C0/Fire
alarm off.” His eyes wander and suddenly snap to attention. He pulls the
business card from his pocket. There’s a phone on the wall. He picks it up and
dials.

“You have reached
Western Hills Security. For a customer service representative, press one…” )

I’m halfway up Dewato and I’m going backwards. But it’s okay.
On the flat roads leading up to the climb I positioned myself close to the
front without being on the front and now, on the climb, I go up slower as riders
pass.

And they start to do so in single file. This is not the
frenzied pace of Holly Hill. Yes, there are guys on the font putting it down. I
can see Stevenson. I recognize his style. And skinny Rusty Beal. But I can only
watch for a few seconds as their outlines grow smaller against the horizon. I
wonder who will win. This course favors either the best climber who can sprint
or the best sprinter who can climb. Climbers like Stevenson and Beal are on the
front playing their hand. Sprinters like Williams and Littlehales are behind following
wheels playing theirs. If the climbers can’t separate from the sprinters, the
sprinters will shepherd them to the line like sheep to slaughter.

Behind the winners, all is single file, quiet except for labored
breathing. I count 15 riders in front of me. It’s time to start looking for a
wheel. I let a few more riders go by. I look over my shoulder. Higgins is near.
I’ll take his wheel when he rolls by. We’re both going the same today. A wheel
passes followed by a gap where I expect to see Higgins. I look back. Higgins.
He’s chopping at his pedals. His head is hung deep between his shoulders. He’s
not going to make it. Behind him riders are scattered in ones and twos weaving.
The wheel in front of me, the gap grows to two, now three bike lengths. I stand
but my weight does not go into my pedals. It goes into my bars, into the palms
of my hands. My legs fail. I fall hard on my saddle. The bike wobbles. I try
again and again I’m back in the saddle.

I didn’t see this coming so early on the climb. I am done now
and my eyes un-focus and wander. My chin comes up. My shoulders squeeze
together and on the side of the road I see standing like critical spectators three
Steller’s Jays.

Steller’s Jays. I
am hallucinating. These are not coastal birds. There are no conifers nearby.
It’s a clear cut. But I hear Jim’s voice:
They are crested like a cardinal… What
they lack in size they make up for in tenacity and planning. My hair stands
on end. Electric. The wheel I want is still near. Within reach, I think.

I am not done. I click to a smaller gear. My eyes re-focus.
I spin it up, grunt, stand and slam it down into a bigger gear and I’m there
and I’m hanging on and we’re tipping over the top and I look back and Higgins
is on my wheel and we’re the last guys on.

(The young man stands in
the garage pondering a disc-shaped smoke and CO detector above the door that
leads to the kitchen. He pushes a doorbell button beside the door. The garage door
cranks opens. He walks to the mini-van, starts it and backs in. Stepping out, he
closes the garage door and ponders the detector and the exhaust coming from the
mini-van.

He shakes his head. It’s
not enough.

He looks around the
garage. There’s a stack of 20lb bags of rice. He lifts one. Opens the mini-van drive
side door and drops the bag on the accelerator. The engine roars. Loud. Blue exhaust
rises. The young man again ponders the detector. Ringing his hands. Tapping his
foot. Come on. Come on. The kitchen door opens. A man pokes his head out.

“Jim, what’s going on?”

But the young man
doesn’t take his eyes off the detector until: BEEEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEP!

“Get out of the way!”

The young man pushes
through the door. In the living room Do is at a console feverishly pushing
buttons. The alarm is deafening.

“Jim! I told you to
turn off the fire detector!”

“I know! But I changed
the code instead!”

“You did what! Why
would you do that? Give me the code!”

“Give me Sherry!”

“Jim, we don’t have
time for this!”

“You’re right! Police
and fire are on their way!”

“God damnit, Jim! Give
me the fucking code!”

The young man stares
at Do sternly.

Do takes a deep breath
and says, “Somebody get Sherry!”

“Say this, Do! Say,
Sherry, go with Jim. It is God’s will! Say it!”

Sherry runs up.

Do says, “Sherry, go
with Jim!...”

“Say it!”

“It is God’s will! Go
with Jim!”

Sherry is confused. Her
eyes dart to and from the faces that surround her. To Do. And she stops. Her
face is a question mark.

“It’s God’s will!” he
says.

The young man takes her by the hand. He takes
the Walkman from Do. He puts the headphones on Sherry’s ears and turns the machine
on, the volume up. They head for the door.

“Jim! The code! The
code!”

“Seven, seven, seven!”

Do punches in the code
as the young man and Sherry walk briskly to the garage. The alarm stops.

“Sherry, come back.
It’s not God’s will! It’s not! Jim is not the prophet here!”

But she cannot hear
him. Just the Bee Gees: How Deep is Your Love.

The young man puts her
in the mini-van passenger seat and closes the door. He throws the rice on the
ground. They drive down the street of mansions overlooking San Diego. She looks
over to him. She removes the Walkman. Her eyes fill with tears.

“Home?”

Eyes fixed on the road,
he says, “Yes. Home.”)

I’m sitting in my car. It’s running. Doors closed. Heater on. Windows fogged. I’m
damp. Cold, but the creases of my mouth are up. The race is over. Williams won.
I finished 22nd, Higgins 18th. I’m fine with the outcome.
When the pace ramped up for the sprint I opted out. No chance to place. A bad
attitude, I know. I knew it when it happened. But I’m okay with it. I’ve learned to accept
my limits given certain situations.

I look at my cell phone on the dash. One missed call. I don’t recognize the number.
Twenty minutes ago.

Twenty minutes ago.

My eyes dart around the inside of the car. RPM. Cigarette
lighter. Radio, but I see none of it.

Twenty minutes ago.

I was on Dewato 20 minutes ago. I ask Higgins later and he says
he never saw the Steller’s Jays on the side of the road.

Twenty minutes ago.

My pulse quickens. I pick up my phone. I ring the number
back.

My brother’s voice answers, “Hello.”

My eyes fill with tears. I can hardly speak.

“Jim.”

There’s a pause.

And then, “Hey, brother.”

--30--

=


Joe Zauner

2012-11-06

(Writer’s note: Tuesday’s ride with Jim is a fictitious serial and should appear every Tuesday until it’s done. The first two installments are included below this one, the third. All three can be found here.)
Jim and I are at the Mt. Tabor Presbyterian Church. We’re in
the café part. Outside it is raining cats and dogs. It’s nine on a weekday
morning. We’re not here for religious services. Instead we’re here for the
lovely barista who is right now missing in action and the play area for Jim’s
3-year-old daughter who is wearing her Halloween costume. She is Ariel the
mermaid. Cute.

We walk past the café counter. No one home.

Me: “Where’s she at?”

Jim shrugs. We push on. Sit. The couches are plush. Jim opens
his newspaper. His daughter trots to the play area in the vestibule. I open my
laptop. I’ve own Macs before but this is a Toshiba. Costs a third less. Works
perfectly fine. I’ll never go back. The Internet comes up. Cyclingnews.com: “Italian
court reject [sic] Ferrari agent's appeal.”

I shake my head.

Me: “Armstrong. Guy sounds like a total jackass. Did you
ever race against him?”

Jim (From behind the newspaper):
“Yes. Several times. Nineteen ninety-two national road championships for one. Lieswyn
should have won that race. He was the strongest.”

Me: “He always was the stronger before his injuries. Who won?”

Jim: “Eh, Lieswyn had his days… Armstrong won the race.”

Me: “So what was he like?”

Jim: “Armstrong? He was a dick but a lot of those guys are.”

Me: “Lot of dopers are dicks?”

Jim (Lowering the
paper): “No. I’ve met dopers who were perfectly nice people. I’m talking
about top tier athletes in general. They delude themselves in believing they
can do things that otherwise they could never do. And with that admirable
quality comes a lot of junk.”

Me: “So all’s you have to do is think you can win the Tour de France and you win the Tour de
France? That sounds easy enough.”

Jim (Folding the paper
on his lap): No. Not everyone who thinks
they can win the Tour wins the Tour but
everyone who has won the Tour thought that, before they ever won the Tour, they
could win the Tour. Make sense?”

Me: “So there’s a lot of guys running around who thought
they could win the Tour who never won the Tour.”

Jim: “Correct. The Lawyer Ride is a good example. Couple
Tour non-Tour winners there.”

Me: “Really? I like that ride. I don’t see any Tour non-Tour guys there.
Maybe they’re all way ahead of me.”

Jim goes back to his newspaper, the Oregonian. Some conservative talk-show hack in town calls it the Zero.
The Zero. The Oregonian ain’t what she used to be but there aren’t many local newspapers
anymore that are, but the Zero? Come
on. It’s won five Pulitzers. I wonder how many Peabodys little miss talk-show has
won? Zero?

I pull my head out of the laptop. From my vantage point
Jim’s 3-year-old is the perfect angel today. She’s found a 2-year-old to boss around
and so for the time being she’s not the boss of us. Gimme this. Gimme that. The number of times she’s reminded to say the
word please astounds me. Clearly intelligent, but when she wants something, forget
about it. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Jim
tried ignoring her once hoping she would say please but the word never came out.

Me: “Days like this make you happy to be a father?”

Jim: “Every day is a good day to be a father.”

Me: “Oh Jesus, that’s right. You moved here to be a father.”

Jim: “Yes. I can work from anywhere. Her mom can’t. When she
moves I move.”

Me: “She pried you out of Miami Beach. You must have gone
kicking and screaming.”

Jim: “If Miami Beach wasn’t in South Florida I’d be okay
with it.”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Jim: “I liked Miami Beach. I didn’t own car there. But that
part of South Florida has a Banana Republic feel that I don’t care for. It puts
me on edge.”

Me: “True. Take a wrong turn in Dade County and you might
find yourself in a scene from Escape from
New York. I saw a car on fire down there once and people just standing
around watching.”

Jim: “Snake Plissken.”

Me: “Snaaake. Loved that guy. Big Trouble in Little China.
The elevator scene? Are you kidding me?”

Jim: “I liked Isaac Hayes’ gold Cadilac. Chandeliers on the
hood. But okay: if I had to go back to Miami Beach I would but I wouldn’t be
happy. I like Portland.”

Me: “You gotta miss the Banana Republic sometimes though. I
miss spearfishing and lobstering. I miss all the warm water activities.
Kayaking. Sight fishing. All that stuff. I miss the big rides too. One
hundred-plus riders every weekend. That stuff was fun.”

A Portland city employee comes in wearing issued coveralls: “Portland,
the city that works.” The coffee cups are stacked corkscrew waiting. Our girl
is not at home. And then hits me.

Me: “The city that
works. What a load horse shit. How can this be The city that works when it has one of the worse educational
systems in a state with one of the
worse educational systems in a nation with
one of the worse educational systems on the planet? I mean, I guess you could set the bar lower.”

Jim: “There are good things happening in education here in
Portland.”

Me: “Like what?”

Jim: “Google Rose Mary Anderson High School. I was at their
gala the other night. Very moving.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll do it later… So, what’s the plan for
Halloween tonight?”

Jim: “Well, little kid’s going back to her mom and I’m
turning the porch light off.”

Me: “Really? That doesn’t sound like you. Aren’t you afraid
of getting egged or TP’ed?”

Jim: “I live in the Hawthorne neighborhood. If you asked
kids in my neighborhood about egging or toilet papering they wouldn’t know what
you were talking about.”

Me: “Seriously? They don’t smash mail boxes with baseball
bats?”

Jim: “No.”

Me: “They don’t light bags of dog shit on fire, ring the
doorbell and run?”

Jim: “No. Not where I live.”

Me: “What do they
do?”

Jim (Pondering…
smiling): “Well, my next door neighbor has a son, Jeremiah. He’s 12. He’s
really into their chicken coup.”

Me: “Their chicken coup? Good Lord, what is the world coming to?”

Another guy comes in, removes his jacket and walks behind
the café counter. He’s got a greased handlebar mustache the width of his face. As
a kid I was a racist. I can look back on it today and think how wrong it is,
and so now I like to think of myself as objective, not judging based on attributes
outside a person’s control. But judging based on fashion choices? Wardrobe? Look,
they’ve made a conscience decision. I know we’re supposed to keep this city weird
but I saw a guy walking downtown yesterday wearing a kilt and smoking a pipe
like Sherlock Holmes. Weird? I suppose. Inane? I think definitely. The pipe
alone is gratuitous?

Me: “Great. Here’s our little barista. Good God, look at this jack wagon.”

Jim (Looking over his
newspaper): “Doesn’t appear she’s coming in today. (Pause) Jack wagon… where does that come from?”

Me (Knowing there’s a
joke in there somewhere): “Well, eh, I was curious about that too the other
day so I looked into it on the Internets (Said like George W.) and it
seems that (I’m stalling), well… It
started in the early 80s (And then the
punch lines comes) and there was an annual float in the San Francisco Gay
Pride Parade called the Jack Wagon.”

Jim (Shaking his head):
“Oh for the love Pete.”

Me: “Did you say Pete? Because Pete is short for Peter and,
well, I mean, for the sake of Peter. Certainly
you see the comedy in that, right?

Jim (Still shaking his
head): “Yes, of course. Of course.”

--30--


From: jzauner33141@hotmail.com
To: obra@list.obra.org
Date: Tue, 30 Oct 2012 16:28:02 +0000
Subject: [OBRA Chat] Tuesday's ride with Jim

(Writer’s note: Tuesday’s ride with Jim is a fictitious serial and
should appear every Tuesday until it’s done. The first two installments are
included below this one, the third. All three can be found here.)

Jim and I are at a party.
It’s a warm Florida evening in 1989. I’m about to develop a lifelong fascination
for a skillset Jim has that I will never attain.

We are with a dozen
friends in an oak grove near the Suwannee River. The canopy is tinged by the
light of a camp fire lit to keep mosquitos at bay. In the middle of the grove a
cold spring flows into a white sandy bottom creek. Barefoot groups of twos and
threes quietly wander to the clear water edge. Sitting there with Jim, our feet
soak in the water.

Jim is holding the can
of beer he’s been holding for more than an hour. I’m holding my fifth. I’m
depressed. Ingrid Christensen has set a new world record for 5,000 meters. It’s
almost two minutes faster than anything I’ve done. I shake my head.

Me: “Had to be a short track. No way a chick
runs 5k that fast. No way. Remember Michael
Hamilton’s 4:15 at Chiefland? Everyone said that track was short. You wheel
measure that track and I bet you dollars
to doughnuts it comes up short. No way Hamilton runs a 4:15 mile. No way.”

Jim says nothing. He
knows Michael Hamilton. Even back then he would cubbyhole his friends. Hamilton
was in the cubbyhole marked “high school cross-country and track meets.” Two
Southern boys from opposing schools, they would wave from across the infield
and casually approach, sizing each other up along the way. There to win the
same races, after 10 maybe 15 minutes they are reacquainted, comfortable and
finishing each other’s sentences. Like brothers.

Jim and I watch a red crawfish
march across the white sandy bottom. He’s big enough to eat and I bet a baited
pot could catch more like him but I want Jim’s attention focused on the Christensen/Hamilton
issue. I’m not the only one who believes the Chiefland track is short. I want something
like closure on this.

Jim however is on the
sly, watching Sherry O’Donnell lower herself slowly past waist deep into the ever so cool spring water. She barely
wears a bathing suit. Brown skin, black hair, blue eyes, she is tall, slender
and stunning. Her mother, equally stunning, said something to my father once in
Publix and he nearly swallowed his tongue. They are Seminoles and most of their
people are gone, death marched with the rest of the Southern tribes to Oklahoma
for the sake of big cotton. If there is a hell, Andrew Jackson is certainly burning
in it.

Sherry is wild, fearless.
She could take her clothes off at any second. As kids we played neighborhood
football together. She was never picked last. Tough. In trouble with the law.
Thrown out of school for fighting. Even burnt her parents’ river house down one
summer.

But boy is she
beautiful. Eighteen. It’s hard not to look.

My head is turned but I strain
to see from the corner of my eye. The water is just above her hips. She looks down
at it, hands outstretched, swaying gently, fingertips play with an imaginary
hula hoop, and slowly she stops all of it. A wry smile. She lifts her head just
enough and then her eyes to Jim. Her smile grows. It is only for him.

I look at Jim urgently.

Me: “Brother, this is
not really… This is really not a good
idea.”

Jim: “Mind your own
business right now, please.”

***

Jim and I are at a party.
It’s a warm Florida evening but this time eight months later. Jim has won the Florida
state road championships earlier in the day. The party was scheduled weeks in
advance but now it honors him.

There are maybe 30
people at the O’Donnell river house. It’s about a one hour drive from the race
course, Sugar Loaf. A drought stricken orange grove that caught fire two years previous,
it is an otherworldly sight: uniform rows of lifeless charred trees protruding from
gray sandy soil stretch miles in all directions. The hills are steep here. The
longest is almost a kilometer. Jim beat Rich Fries in an uphill two-man sprint.
A hot day, defending champion Fries upon crossing the line leaned his bike
against a car, marched through the sand, found the perfect rock and vomited on it.

I am inside the river house
with Mrs. O’Donnell. Sitting at the bar in the vast living room she mixes my fourth
g-and-t of the evening. I take a gulp. I did not finish the race today. Jim
picked me up off the side of the road in the VW van. He looked at the dried
sweat caked on my collar and said I should have diluted my Gatorade more.

Mrs. O’Donnell asks how
the race went. I am ready to talk about anything else. High above me I notice a
grouping of sturdy but blackened oak ceiling beams. I point.

Me: “Nice you could save
some money there.”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “Oh
please. Saving money was not the
objective.”

Me: “What was?”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “A
reminder to my daughter not to play with matches.”

Outside, the deck hums
with happy times. It overlooks a row of dunes, a bonfire, some lawn chairs,
people sit and beyond them the St. Johns River where during the Civil War Capt.
J.J. Dickinson, the Florida Swamp Fox, became the only American Army officer to
sink a battleship. It’s Florida lore. A Confederate sentinel spotted the USS
Columbine steaming north loaded with cargo and Negro
soldiers. He rode by horse north to Palatka to tell Dickinson of what he saw.

Dickinson rode to a
point called Horse Landing with artillery, hid in the tall pines and waited.
When the ship returned he sunk her. The white officers surrendered to Dickinson
on the near shore. The black soldiers jumped into the St. Johns. Twenty-nine
drown. They knew of Dickinson’s reputation. He routinely hung or shot Negros outside
the custody of whites. Dickinson’s law was, unassigned property will be destroyed
so as not to become contraband. I wonder if he was soulless before the war or
if it made him that way.

On the deck Mrs.
O’Donnell gazes down intently at her daughter Sherry seated by the bonfire calmly
at Jim’s feet. The mother takes a deep breath. It’s as if she has passed a
milestone. She has mentioned that Jim is good for Sherry and that he did what
she could not: tame her.

I look at Mrs.
O’Donnell. In this early part of my life, she is more attractive to me than her
daughter could ever be. I understand now why my father was tongue tied.

But I am disturbed.

Me: “Doesn’t it bother
you that Sherry has to confer with Jim on anything other than the most simplest
of decisions?”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “Nope.”

She states it flatly but
I will not let the issue drop.

Me: “I mean, aren’t you
worried about her development as a person? Aren’t you afraid that one day,
after Jim’s gone, she won’t be able to think for herself?”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “Lord
have mercy, son. We stopped hoping Sherry would break the glass ceiling years
ago. We just want her to be happy, hold down a job and stay out of trouble.
Hell, even two out of three of those would suit us… Goodness. What did you expect? Harvard?”

I look at Jim. State
road champion. He beat Fries. There’s
talk of him racing in Spain next year with the Mapei exchange program. I look
at Sherry. Out of trouble, gainfully employed (delivering newspapers) and, well, she did look happy. I begin see it
now. They can make a life together as a couple. Husband and wife even. Maybe in
Spain. It’s against my nature but I grow hopeful. I am hopeful. Hopeful for
them.

Much later in the
evening I am up off the couch looking for a toilet. It is dark. Stumbling, I
find myself in the master bath of the master suite. I’ve left the light off for
some reason. I think I’m pissing in the toilet but it sounds more like a
garbage can. I move left but that isn’t it either. About halfway through, a familiar
sound. I’ve found the target. As I trail off I hear voices in the bed room. I
peak through the door ajar. There on the deck I can see Jim embrace his lover.
My eyes squint. In the moonlight I see it is Jim and Mrs. O’Donnell.

--30--

From: jzauner33141@hotmail.com
To: obra@list.obra.org
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2012 15:52:58 +0000
Subject: Re: [OBRA Chat] Tuesday's ride with Jim

Jim and I are riding on
the road. We’re headed to Mt. Tabor for hill repeats. It takes about five
minutes to get to the top of Tabor. Jim says this evening we’ll do six reps at
105-percent FTP. He estimates our FTP by feel since neither of us owns a power
meter. Jim says a 20 minute TT on a sheltered climb yields a good working
number. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

The first two reps we do
side by side. Jim is talking. It’s hard for me to listen. The third time up Jim
is leaving me. He climbs out of the saddle ticking over what seems an impossibly
small gear. More than 30 seconds after Jim, I arrive atop Tabor. I’m out of
breath. Jim is turning a tight circle waiting.

Me: “You climb in such a
small gear.”

Jim: “You’re at more
than 105-percent right now. You know that, right?”

Me: “I can’t climb out
of the saddle in a small gear. I feel like I’m flailing. I just slow down.”

Jim: “It takes practice.
You have to step outside your comfort zone.”

Me: “I guess so.”

Jim: “Over and over. You
have to step outside your comfort zone.”

Me: “Okay. I get it.”

I look down at my new carbon
steed. Karsten Hagen raced it last year. He’s from Bend. It’s a Specialized
S-Works SL-3. It’s flashy like a neon sign inviting bike thieves to
break into my basement but it rolls sweet like a Cadillac. It’s a huge
advantage on washboard downhill sections like the right hander on Tabor just
before the gate near the dog park where SE East Tabor Drive splits into SE
Lincoln Street. Don’t barrel down this hill without knowing whether the gate is
open or closed. If it’s closed you’ll see it about a second after you round the
corner and just before you plow into it; or, if you’re real good, slide under
it.

Jim and I ride side by
side on the paved loop atop Tabor. We’re recovering.

Jim: “Did you finish
that bottle of wine?”

Me: “Still half empty. Haven’t
had a drink in five days.”

Jim shakes his head
approvingly. I’ve quit drinking before to make sure I could. This time, however,
it’s to put Jim’s mind at ease.

Me: “Is it just me or
are you flying on the bike right now?”

Jim: “It’s just you.”

Me: “You remember that crit
in Breckinridge? You said you could’ve lapped the field if you wanted but, what
did you say? What got into print weeks later? It’s better for the sponsor if I ride
out front alone? Damn if that ain’t cocky.”

Jim nods his head.

Me: “Guys would bridge and
you’d work a couple laps and then start jumping through their paceline until it
came apart. Guys going backwards one by one. And you just kept riding alone off
the front. All night. From the gun. I was like, who is this guy? I shouted at Rich
Fries, who is that guy! And he shouted back, that’s our brother, man! That’s
our Florida brother!”

Jim and I slow. I stop
pedaling. Then Jim does the same. I’m not ready to start back down the hill
because I’m not ready to start back up it. My legs don’t feel good.

Me: “You put on a clinic
that night.”

Jim says nothing.

We stop. In front of us
is a view of downtown. The sun is setting behind some clouds silhouetted by the
West Hills. People are aiming their iPhones at it, leaning against each other,
sipping wine, taking it in. But not Jim. Jim is shaking his head almost
imperceptivity, eyes locked on some imaginary hub in some imaginary bicycle race.
He goes from side to side like he’s swapping left eye for right eye, left eye for
right eye. I’ve seen him do this for hours on training rides growing up in Florida.
Like a trance. The deeper he goes into it, the more you know, he’s on.

Me: “You never talk
about those times, brother. There were a couple months there where you won
every race in sight.”

Jim, still, saying nothing.

I want to look into his
face and understand this but his head is hung low. He’s too deep into the trance.
I lean over my bars to look up into his face and then realize that he’s not in a
trance at all but instead he’s hurting, damn near crying.

There’s a long pause.

Long.

Jim: “You asked about
Korea the other day. You still want know what happened?”

My mind is at attention.
I’m not sure what’s coming next. I look to a big cedar standing next to me. I
bet he’s more than 100-years-old but still he has nothing to say on this issue. I
take a deep breath. I shake my head.

Me: “Yes, brother. I
really do. I’ve wanted to know for more than 25 years.”

From: jzauner33141@hotmail.com
To: obra@list.obra.org
Subject: Tuesday's ride with Jim
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2012 16:08:35 +0000

Brother Jim
reads this Friday evening:

From:
rondot@spiritone.com

To: obra@list.obra.org

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2012 09:41:59 -0700

Subject: [OBRA Chat] OBRA ROCKS!

This
weekend the world of OBRA has FIVE Cyclocross races around for for [sic]
members and newcomers to attend. We are living in maybe the best
Cyclocross environment.

Get
out there and participate or support.

ron
[sic]

---

Jim and I are down in the basement fastening
the Macalu to
the Kurt Kinetic Rock and Roll. Can’t recommend the Rock and Roll aspect of the
Kurt Kenetic but the rest of the machine is pretty sound. There’s a bottle of
wine between us half gone. Jim is a recovering alcoholic. Has been for 20
years. He's less than a year older than I am. We’re pushing 50.

Jim arrived in Portland from Miami Beach in
late July of this year. Till this weekend he's only seen the good Northwest
weather.

I position the rear wheel of the Macalu
into the Kurt Kinetic.

Me: "This is it, brother. You're not
going to see the sun for another six months and the thing that worries me most
about you is you’re a gun owner. And not just a gun owner, but a handgun owner…
A handgun. Jim. Really?”

Jim: "Why is this such a wedge issue
with you?"

There's a pause.

Me: "This weather you've experienced
for the past three months is Northwest Nirvana. Expect withdraws. Next time you
see the sun you're not going to like it. After crawling
around in the dark like a cockroach for six months it’s going to seem
overwhelmingly bright. It’s going to feel like an enormous spotlight beamed
down from a prison guard’s tower."

Jim: "True. It'll take some getting
used to but I’m sure we’ll learn to embrace it again."

I look up at Jim blankly. Then back down at
the trainer.

Me: "Green."

Jim cocks his head. I point at the beefy
threads on the Kurt Kenetic that lock down the dropouts. They're greased with
Phil Wood. Jim shakes his head approvingly.

Me: "How are you so positive, eh?? Why
didn't I get any of that?"

Jim: "What did Staff Sgt. Anderson tell
me when I got orders for Korea? He always said the same thing to anyone who got
orders to a really bad duty station. What did he used say? 'It's what you make
of it.'?"

We chuckle.

Jim goes to something like the position of
attention. He’s our old noncommissioned officer in charge, Staff Sgt. Anderson.

Jim (In
Anderson’s slap happy Virginian drawl): "Camp Red Cloud is a great duty station, son. Just remember, it is what you make of it."

Me (Acting like an Army grunt
getting sent to Korea): "Roger that, Staff Sgt. Fuck Face."

We laugh.

There’s a long pause. No talk while I
tighten the Kurt Kenetic over the dropouts of the Macalu.

I look up. Jim is staring at the cracked
cement floor shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

Me: "Korea: That's where it all
unraveled for you."

Jim: "Let's talk about something else."

Me: "Let's finally talk about how you go from
being a pro-level cyclist to an alcoholic drug addict inside of two years."

Jim: “Those were negative times.”

There's a pause. I'm focused on tightening
the resistance wheel of the Kurt Kinetic onto the rear tire.

Jim: "You should race cross."

Me: "That's a great idea. I really need
another bike."

Jim: "Your wife makes plenty of
money. You can get a good cross bike for less than a grand off the OBRA
list. People sell stuff on there at half retail sometimes still in the box."

I take in a deep breath.

Jim grows wary. He knows how I feel about
cross these days.

Me: "You wanna know what else I should
do, Jim? Eh? Wanna know? I should buy a pink bra and wear it over my kit when I
race. It’ll be my signature. I’ll be the Pink Bra Guy. Wouldn't that be cool?"

There's another pause. Jim is staring at the
concrete again. He seems put off.

Jim: "You should wear it under your kit."

Me: “What?”

Jim: "The bra. You should wear it under your kit."

I look at Jim. He’s grinning, nodding his
head still staring at the concrete.

I get it now.

Yes, yes, giggling. I see.

Me: "Of course under the kit and housing
some mammoth double-Ds."

Jim marches circles around the trainer with
his hands out in front of his chest.

Jim: "Water balloons. You could use
water balloons to fill the D-cups."

Me: "Double-D cups and yes water balloons but filled with beer!"

Jim: "Papst Blue Ribbon?"

Me: "It’s Portland. Is it’s cross. Of
course PBR. What else? "

Jim: "They're going to bounce. It'll
take a unique approach especially going over the barriers. It'll require skill,
brother."

Me: "I’ll have to channel my inner
mommy but that's part of the deal. You can't have it both ways."

Jim: "Yep. You either got hooters or
you don't."

Me: (In
my best Bevis voice): “Some men dream of hooters and say, 'Why'? I dream of
beer filled double-Ds and say, ‘Why not?’ ”

Laughter.

Pause.

Jim looks at the bottle. He is worried about
his brother.

Jim: "Are you going to finish that
bottle?"

I put the cork back in it.

Me: "Let's go upstairs. I’ll finish it
some other time."


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Joe Zauner

2012-10-30

(Writer’s note: Tuesday’s ride with Jim is a fictitious serial and
should appear every Tuesday until it’s done. The first two installments are
included below this one, the third. All three can be found here.)

Jim and I are at a party.
It’s a warm Florida evening in 1989. I’m about to develop a lifelong fascination
for a skillset Jim has that I will never attain.

We are with a dozen
friends in an oak grove near the Suwannee River. The canopy is tinged by the
light of a camp fire lit to keep mosquitos at bay. In the middle of the grove a
cold spring flows into a white sandy bottom creek. Barefoot groups of twos and
threes quietly wander to the clear water edge. Sitting there with Jim, our feet
soak in the water.

Jim is holding the can
of beer he’s been holding for more than an hour. I’m holding my fifth. I’m
depressed. Ingrid Christensen has set a new world record for 5,000 meters. It’s
almost two minutes faster than anything I’ve done. I shake my head.

Me: “Had to be a short track. No way a chick
runs 5k that fast. No way. Remember Michael
Hamilton’s 4:15 at Chiefland? Everyone said that track was short. You wheel
measure that track and I bet you dollars
to doughnuts it comes up short. No way Hamilton runs a 4:15 mile. No way.”

Jim says nothing. He
knows Michael Hamilton. Even back then he would cubbyhole his friends. Hamilton
was in the cubbyhole marked “high school cross-country and track meets.” Two
Southern boys from opposing schools, they would wave from across the infield
and casually approach, sizing each other up along the way. There to win the
same races, after 10 maybe 15 minutes they are reacquainted, comfortable and
finishing each other’s sentences. Like brothers.

Jim and I watch a red crawfish
march across the white sandy bottom. He’s big enough to eat and I bet a baited
pot could catch more like him but I want Jim’s attention focused on the Christensen/Hamilton
issue. I’m not the only one who believes the Chiefland track is short. I want something
like closure on this.

Jim however is on the
sly, watching Sherry O’Donnell lower herself slowly past waist deep into the ever so cool spring water. She barely
wears a bathing suit. Brown skin, black hair, blue eyes, she is tall, slender
and stunning. Her mother, equally stunning, said something to my father once in
Publix and he nearly swallowed his tongue. They are Seminoles and most of their
people are gone, death marched with the rest of the Southern tribes to Oklahoma
for the sake of big cotton. If there is a hell, Andrew Jackson is certainly burning
in it.

Sherry is wild, fearless.
She could take her clothes off at any second. As kids we played neighborhood
football together. She was never picked last. Tough. In trouble with the law.
Thrown out of school for fighting. Even burnt her parents’ river house down one
summer.

But boy is she
beautiful. Eighteen. It’s hard not to look.

My head is turned but I strain
to see from the corner of my eye. The water is just above her hips. She looks down
at it, hands outstretched, swaying gently, fingertips play with an imaginary
hula hoop, and slowly she stops all of it. A wry smile. She lifts her head just
enough and then her eyes to Jim. Her smile grows. It is only for him.

I look at Jim urgently.

Me: “Brother, this is
not really… This is really not a good
idea.”

Jim: “Mind your own
business right now, please.”

***

Jim and I are at a party.
It’s a warm Florida evening but this time eight months later. Jim has won the Florida
state road championships earlier in the day. The party was scheduled weeks in
advance but now it honors him.

There are maybe 30
people at the O’Donnell river house. It’s about a one hour drive from the race
course, Sugar Loaf. A drought stricken orange grove that caught fire two years previous,
it is an otherworldly sight: uniform rows of lifeless charred trees protruding from
gray sandy soil stretch miles in all directions. The hills are steep here. The
longest is almost a kilometer. Jim beat Rich Fries in an uphill two-man sprint.
A hot day, defending champion Fries upon crossing the line leaned his bike
against a car, marched through the sand, found the perfect rock and vomited on it.

I am inside the river house
with Mrs. O’Donnell. Sitting at the bar in the vast living room she mixes my fourth
g-and-t of the evening. I take a gulp. I did not finish the race today. Jim
picked me up off the side of the road in the VW van. He looked at the dried
sweat caked on my collar and said I should have diluted my Gatorade more.

Mrs. O’Donnell asks how
the race went. I am ready to talk about anything else. High above me I notice a
grouping of sturdy but blackened oak ceiling beams. I point.

Me: “Nice you could save
some money there.”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “Oh
please. Saving money was not the
objective.”

Me: “What was?”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “A
reminder to my daughter not to play with matches.”

Outside, the deck hums
with happy times. It overlooks a row of dunes, a bonfire, some lawn chairs,
people sit and beyond them the St. Johns River where during the Civil War Capt.
J.J. Dickinson, the Florida Swamp Fox, became the only American Army officer to
sink a battleship. It’s Florida lore. A Confederate sentinel spotted the USS
Columbine steaming north loaded with cargo and Negro
soldiers. He rode by horse north to Palatka to tell Dickinson of what he saw.

Dickinson rode to a
point called Horse Landing with artillery, hid in the tall pines and waited.
When the ship returned he sunk her. The white officers surrendered to Dickinson
on the near shore. The black soldiers jumped into the St. Johns. Twenty-nine
drown. They knew of Dickinson’s reputation. He routinely hung or shot Negros outside
the custody of whites. Dickinson’s law was, unassigned property will be destroyed
so as not to become contraband. I wonder if he was soulless before the war or
if it made him that way.

On the deck Mrs.
O’Donnell gazes down intently at her daughter Sherry seated by the bonfire calmly
at Jim’s feet. The mother takes a deep breath. It’s as if she has passed a
milestone. She has mentioned that Jim is good for Sherry and that he did what
she could not: tame her.

I look at Mrs.
O’Donnell. In this early part of my life, she is more attractive to me than her
daughter could ever be. I understand now why my father was tongue tied.

But I am disturbed.

Me: “Doesn’t it bother
you that Sherry has to confer with Jim on anything other than the most simplest
of decisions?”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “Nope.”

She states it flatly but
I will not let the issue drop.

Me: “I mean, aren’t you
worried about her development as a person? Aren’t you afraid that one day,
after Jim’s gone, she won’t be able to think for herself?”

Mrs. O’Donnell: “Lord
have mercy, son. We stopped hoping Sherry would break the glass ceiling years
ago. We just want her to be happy, hold down a job and stay out of trouble.
Hell, even two out of three of those would suit us… Goodness. What did you expect? Harvard?”

I look at Jim. State
road champion. He beat Fries. There’s
talk of him racing in Spain next year with the Mapei exchange program. I look
at Sherry. Out of trouble, gainfully employed (delivering newspapers) and, well, she did look happy. I begin see it
now. They can make a life together as a couple. Husband and wife even. Maybe in
Spain. It’s against my nature but I grow hopeful. I am hopeful. Hopeful for
them.

Much later in the
evening I am up off the couch looking for a toilet. It is dark. Stumbling, I
find myself in the master bath of the master suite. I’ve left the light off for
some reason. I think I’m pissing in the toilet but it sounds more like a
garbage can. I move left but that isn’t it either. About halfway through, a familiar
sound. I’ve found the target. As I trail off I hear voices in the bed room. I
peak through the door ajar. There on the deck I can see Jim embrace his lover.
My eyes squint. In the moonlight I see it is Jim and Mrs. O’Donnell.

--30--

From: jzauner33141@hotmail.com
To: obra@list.obra.org
Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2012 15:52:58 +0000
Subject: Re: [OBRA Chat] Tuesday's ride with Jim

Jim and I are riding on
the road. We’re headed to Mt. Tabor for hill repeats. It takes about five
minutes to get to the top of Tabor. Jim says this evening we’ll do six reps at
105-percent FTP. He estimates our FTP by feel since neither of us owns a power
meter. Jim says a 20 minute TT on a sheltered climb yields a good working
number. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

The first two reps we do
side by side. Jim is talking. It’s hard for me to listen. The third time up Jim
is leaving me. He climbs out of the saddle ticking over what seems an impossibly
small gear. More than 30 seconds after Jim, I arrive atop Tabor. I’m out of
breath. Jim is turning a tight circle waiting.

Me: “You climb in such a
small gear.”

Jim: “You’re at more
than 105-percent right now. You know that, right?”

Me: “I can’t climb out
of the saddle in a small gear. I feel like I’m flailing. I just slow down.”

Jim: “It takes practice.
You have to step outside your comfort zone.”

Me: “I guess so.”

Jim: “Over and over. You
have to step outside your comfort zone.”

Me: “Okay. I get it.”

I look down at my new carbon
steed. Karsten Hagen raced it last year. He’s from Bend. It’s a Specialized
S-Works SL-3. It’s flashy like a neon sign inviting bike thieves to
break into my basement but it rolls sweet like a Cadillac. It’s a huge
advantage on washboard downhill sections like the right hander on Tabor just
before the gate near the dog park where SE East Tabor Drive splits into SE
Lincoln Street. Don’t barrel down this hill without knowing whether the gate is
open or closed. If it’s closed you’ll see it about a second after you round the
corner and just before you plow into it; or, if you’re real good, slide under
it.

Jim and I ride side by
side on the paved loop atop Tabor. We’re recovering.

Jim: “Did you finish
that bottle of wine?”

Me: “Still half empty. Haven’t
had a drink in five days.”

Jim shakes his head
approvingly. I’ve quit drinking before to make sure I could. This time, however,
it’s to put Jim’s mind at ease.

Me: “Is it just me or
are you flying on the bike right now?”

Jim: “It’s just you.”

Me: “You remember that crit
in Breckinridge? You said you could’ve lapped the field if you wanted but, what
did you say? What got into print weeks later? It’s better for the sponsor if I ride
out front alone? Damn if that ain’t cocky.”

Jim nods his head.

Me: “Guys would bridge and
you’d work a couple laps and then start jumping through their paceline until it
came apart. Guys going backwards one by one. And you just kept riding alone off
the front. All night. From the gun. I was like, who is this guy? I shouted at Rich
Fries, who is that guy! And he shouted back, that’s our brother, man! That’s
our Florida brother!”

Jim and I slow. I stop
pedaling. Then Jim does the same. I’m not ready to start back down the hill
because I’m not ready to start back up it. My legs don’t feel good.

Me: “You put on a clinic
that night.”

Jim says nothing.

We stop. In front of us
is a view of downtown. The sun is setting behind some clouds silhouetted by the
West Hills. People are aiming their iPhones at it, leaning against each other,
sipping wine, taking it in. But not Jim. Jim is shaking his head almost
imperceptivity, eyes locked on some imaginary hub in some imaginary bicycle race.
He goes from side to side like he’s swapping left eye for right eye, left eye for
right eye. I’ve seen him do this for hours on training rides growing up in Florida.
Like a trance. The deeper he goes into it, the more you know, he’s on.

Me: “You never talk
about those times, brother. There were a couple months there where you won
every race in sight.”

Jim, still, saying nothing.

I want to look into his
face and understand this but his head is hung low. He’s too deep into the trance.
I lean over my bars to look up into his face and then realize that he’s not in a
trance at all but instead he’s hurting, damn near crying.

There’s a long pause.

Long.

Jim: “You asked about
Korea the other day. You still want know what happened?”

My mind is at attention.
I’m not sure what’s coming next. I look to a big cedar standing next to me. I
bet he’s more than 100-years-old but still he has nothing to say on this issue. I
take a deep breath. I shake my head.

Me: “Yes, brother. I
really do. I’ve wanted to know for more than 25 years.”

From: jzauner33141@hotmail.com
To: obra@list.obra.org
Subject: Tuesday's ride with Jim
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2012 16:08:35 +0000

Brother Jim
reads this Friday evening:

From:
rondot@spiritone.com

To: obra@list.obra.org

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2012 09:41:59 -0700

Subject: [OBRA Chat] OBRA ROCKS!

This
weekend the world of OBRA has FIVE Cyclocross races around for for [sic]
members and newcomers to attend. We are living in maybe the best
Cyclocross environment.

Get
out there and participate or support.

ron
[sic]

---

Jim and I are down in the basement fastening
the Macalu to
the Kurt Kinetic Rock and Roll. Can’t recommend the Rock and Roll aspect of the
Kurt Kenetic but the rest of the machine is pretty sound. There’s a bottle of
wine between us half gone. Jim is a recovering alcoholic. Has been for 20
years. He's less than a year older than I am. We’re pushing 50.

Jim arrived in Portland from Miami Beach in
late July of this year. Till this weekend he's only seen the good Northwest
weather.

I position the rear wheel of the Macalu
into the Kurt Kinetic.

Me: "This is it, brother. You're not
going to see the sun for another six months and the thing that worries me most
about you is you’re a gun owner. And not just a gun owner, but a handgun owner…
A handgun. Jim. Really?”

Jim: "Why is this such a wedge issue
with you?"

There's a pause.

Me: "This weather you've experienced
for the past three months is Northwest Nirvana. Expect withdraws. Next time you
see the sun you're not going to like it. After crawling
around in the dark like a cockroach for six months it’s going to seem
overwhelmingly bright. It’s going to feel like an enormous spotlight beamed
down from a prison guard’s tower."

Jim: "True. It'll take some getting
used to but I’m sure we’ll learn to embrace it again."

I look up at Jim blankly. Then back down at
the trainer.

Me: "Green."

Jim cocks his head. I point at the beefy
threads on the Kurt Kenetic that lock down the dropouts. They're greased with
Phil Wood. Jim shakes his head approvingly.

Me: "How are you so positive, eh?? Why
didn't I get any of that?"

Jim: "What did Staff Sgt. Anderson tell
me when I got orders for Korea? He always said the same thing to anyone who got
orders to a really bad duty station. What did he used say? 'It's what you make
of it.'?"

We chuckle.

Jim goes to something like the position of
attention. He’s our old noncommissioned officer in charge, Staff Sgt. Anderson.

Jim (In
Anderson’s slap happy Virginian drawl): "Camp Red Cloud is a great duty station, son. Just remember, it is what you make of it."

Me (Acting like an Army grunt
getting sent to Korea): "Roger that, Staff Sgt. Fuck Face."

We laugh.

There’s a long pause. No talk while I
tighten the Kurt Kenetic over the dropouts of the Macalu.

I look up. Jim is staring at the cracked
cement floor shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

Me: "Korea: That's where it all
unraveled for you."

Jim: "Let's talk about something else."

Me: "Let's finally talk about how you go from
being a pro-level cyclist to an alcoholic drug addict inside of two years."

Jim: “Those were negative times.”

There's a pause. I'm focused on tightening
the resistance wheel of the Kurt Kinetic onto the rear tire.

Jim: "You should race cross."

Me: "That's a great idea. I really need
another bike."

Jim: "Your wife makes plenty of
money. You can get a good cross bike for less than a grand off the OBRA
list. People sell stuff on there at half retail sometimes still in the box."

I take in a deep breath.

Jim grows wary. He knows how I feel about
cross these days.

Me: "You wanna know what else I should
do, Jim? Eh? Wanna know? I should buy a pink bra and wear it over my kit when I
race. It’ll be my signature. I’ll be the Pink Bra Guy. Wouldn't that be cool?"

There's another pause. Jim is staring at the
concrete again. He seems put off.

Jim: "You should wear it under your kit."

Me: “What?”

Jim: "The bra. You should wear it under your kit."

I look at Jim. He’s grinning, nodding his
head still staring at the concrete.

I get it now.

Yes, yes, giggling. I see.

Me: "Of course under the kit and housing
some mammoth double-Ds."

Jim marches circles around the trainer with
his hands out in front of his chest.

Jim: "Water balloons. You could use
water balloons to fill the D-cups."

Me: "Double-D cups and yes water balloons but filled with beer!"

Jim: "Papst Blue Ribbon?"

Me: "It’s Portland. Is it’s cross. Of
course PBR. What else? "

Jim: "They're going to bounce. It'll
take a unique approach especially going over the barriers. It'll require skill,
brother."

Me: "I’ll have to channel my inner
mommy but that's part of the deal. You can't have it both ways."

Jim: "Yep. You either got hooters or
you don't."

Me: (In
my best Bevis voice): “Some men dream of hooters and say, 'Why'? I dream of
beer filled double-Ds and say, ‘Why not?’ ”

Laughter.

Pause.

Jim looks at the bottle. He is worried about
his brother.

Jim: "Are you going to finish that
bottle?"

I put the cork back in it.

Me: "Let's go upstairs. I’ll finish it
some other time."


_______________________________________________
OBRA mailing list
obra@list.obra.org
http://list.obra.org/mailman/listinfo/obra
Unsubscribe: obra-unsubscribe@list.obra.org


Joe Zauner

2012-10-23

Jim and I are riding on
the road. We’re headed to Mt. Tabor for hill repeats. It takes about five
minutes to get to the top of Tabor. Jim says this evening we’ll do six reps at
105-percent FTP. He estimates our FTP by feel since neither of us owns a power
meter. Jim says a 20 minute TT on a sheltered climb yields a good working
number. I have no idea what he’s talking about.

The first two reps we do
side by side. Jim is talking. It’s hard for me to listen. The third time up Jim
is leaving me. He climbs out of the saddle ticking over what seems an impossibly
small gear. More than 30 seconds after Jim, I arrive atop Tabor. I’m out of
breath. Jim is turning a tight circle waiting.

Me: “You climb in such a
small gear.”

Jim: “You’re at more
than 105-percent right now. You know that, right?”

Me: “I can’t climb out
of the saddle in a small gear. I feel like I’m flailing. I just slow down.”

Jim: “It takes practice.
You have to step outside your comfort zone.”

Me: “I guess so.”

Jim: “Over and over. You
have to step outside your comfort zone.”

Me: “Okay. I get it.”

I look down at my new carbon
steed. Karsten Hagen raced it last year. He’s from Bend. It’s a Specialized
S-Works SL-3. It’s flashy like a neon sign inviting bike thieves to
break into my basement but it rolls sweet like a Cadillac. It’s a huge
advantage on washboard downhill sections like the right hander on Tabor just
before the gate near the dog park where SE East Tabor Drive splits into SE
Lincoln Street. Don’t barrel down this hill without knowing whether the gate is
open or closed. If it’s closed you’ll see it about a second after you round the
corner and just before you plow into it; or, if you’re real good, slide under
it.

Jim and I ride side by
side on the paved loop atop Tabor. We’re recovering.

Jim: “Did you finish
that bottle of wine?”

Me: “Still half empty. Haven’t
had a drink in five days.”

Jim shakes his head
approvingly. I’ve quit drinking before to make sure I could. This time, however,
it’s to put Jim’s mind at ease.

Me: “Is it just me or
are you flying on the bike right now?”

Jim: “It’s just you.”

Me: “You remember that crit
in Breckinridge? You said you could’ve lapped the field if you wanted but, what
did you say? What got into print weeks later? It’s better for the sponsor if I ride
out front alone? Damn if that ain’t cocky.”

Jim nods his head.

Me: “Guys would bridge and
you’d work a couple laps and then start jumping through their paceline until it
came apart. Guys going backwards one by one. And you just kept riding alone off
the front. All night. From the gun. I was like, who is this guy? I shouted at Rich
Fries, who is that guy! And he shouted back, that’s our brother, man! That’s
our Florida brother!”

Jim and I slow. I stop
pedaling. Then Jim does the same. I’m not ready to start back down the hill
because I’m not ready to start back up it. My legs don’t feel good.

Me: “You put on a clinic
that night.”

Jim says nothing.

We stop. In front of us
is a view of downtown. The sun is setting behind some clouds silhouetted by the
West Hills. People are aiming their iPhones at it, leaning against each other,
sipping wine, taking it in. But not Jim. Jim is shaking his head almost
imperceptivity, eyes locked on some imaginary hub in some imaginary bicycle race.
He goes from side to side like he’s swapping left eye for right eye, left eye for
right eye. I’ve seen him do this for hours on training rides growing up in Florida.
Like a trance. The deeper he goes into it, the more you know, he’s on.

Me: “You never talk
about those times, brother. There were a couple months there where you won
every race in sight.”

Jim, still, saying nothing.

I want to look into his
face and understand this but his head is hung low. He’s too deep into the trance.
I lean over my bars to look up into his face and then realize that he’s not in a
trance at all but instead he’s hurting, damn near crying.

There’s a long pause.

Long.

Jim: “You asked about
Korea the other day. You still want know what happened?”

My mind is at attention.
I’m not sure what’s coming next. I look to a big cedar standing next to me. I
bet he’s more than 100-years-old but still he has nothing to say on this issue. I
take a deep breath. I shake my head.

Me: “Yes, brother. I
really do. I’ve wanted to know for more than 25 years.”

From: jzauner33141@hotmail.com
To: obra@list.obra.org
Subject: Tuesday's ride with Jim
Date: Tue, 16 Oct 2012 16:08:35 +0000

Brother Jim
reads this Friday evening:

From:
rondot@spiritone.com

To: obra@list.obra.org

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2012 09:41:59 -0700

Subject: [OBRA Chat] OBRA ROCKS!

This
weekend the world of OBRA has FIVE Cyclocross races around for for [sic]
members and newcomers to attend. We are living in maybe the best
Cyclocross environment.

Get
out there and participate or support.

ron
[sic]

---

Jim and I are down in the basement fastening
the Macalu to
the Kurt Kinetic Rock and Roll. Can’t recommend the Rock and Roll aspect of the
Kurt Kenetic but the rest of the machine is pretty sound. There’s a bottle of
wine between us half gone. Jim is a recovering alcoholic. Has been for 20
years. He's less than a year older than I am. We’re pushing 50.

Jim arrived in Portland from Miami Beach in
late July of this year. Till this weekend he's only seen the good Northwest
weather.

I position the rear wheel of the Macalu
into the Kurt Kinetic.

Me: "This is it, brother. You're not
going to see the sun for another six months and the thing that worries me most
about you is you’re a gun owner. And not just a gun owner, but a handgun owner…
A handgun. Jim. Really?”

Jim: "Why is this such a wedge issue
with you?"

There's a pause.

Me: "This weather you've experienced
for the past three months is Northwest Nirvana. Expect withdraws. Next time you
see the sun you're not going to like it. After crawling
around in the dark like a cockroach for six months it’s going to seem
overwhelmingly bright. It’s going to feel like an enormous spotlight beamed
down from a prison guard’s tower."

Jim: "True. It'll take some getting
used to but I’m sure we’ll learn to embrace it again."

I look up at Jim blankly. Then back down at
the trainer.

Me: "Green."

Jim cocks his head. I point at the beefy
threads on the Kurt Kenetic that lock down the dropouts. They're greased with
Phil Wood. Jim shakes his head approvingly.

Me: "How are you so positive, eh?? Why
didn't I get any of that?"

Jim: "What did Staff Sgt. Anderson tell
me when I got orders for Korea? He always said the same thing to anyone who got
orders to a really bad duty station. What did he used say? 'It's what you make
of it.'?"

We chuckle.

Jim goes to something like the position of
attention. He’s our old noncommissioned officer in charge, Staff Sgt. Anderson.

Jim (In
Anderson’s slap happy Virginian drawl): "Camp Red Cloud is a great duty station, son. Just remember, it is what you make of it."

Me (Acting like an Army grunt
getting sent to Korea): "Roger that, Staff Sgt. Fuck Face."

We laugh.

There’s a long pause. No talk while I
tighten the Kurt Kenetic over the dropouts of the Macalu.

I look up. Jim is staring at the cracked
cement floor shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

Me: "Korea: That's where it all
unraveled for you."

Jim: "Let's talk about something else."

Me: "Let's finally talk about how you go from
being a pro-level cyclist to an alcoholic drug addict inside of two years."

Jim: “Those were negative times.”

There's a pause. I'm focused on tightening
the resistance wheel of the Kurt Kinetic onto the rear tire.

Jim: "You should race cross."

Me: "That's a great idea. I really need
another bike."

Jim: "Your wife makes plenty of
money. You can get a good cross bike for less than a grand off the OBRA
list. People sell stuff on there at half retail sometimes still in the box."

I take in a deep breath.

Jim grows wary. He knows how I feel about
cross these days.

Me: "You wanna know what else I should
do, Jim? Eh? Wanna know? I should buy a pink bra and wear it over my kit when I
race. It’ll be my signature. I’ll be the Pink Bra Guy. Wouldn't that be cool?"

There's another pause. Jim is staring at the
concrete again. He seems put off.

Jim: "You should wear it under your kit."

Me: “What?”

Jim: "The bra. You should wear it under your kit."

I look at Jim. He’s grinning, nodding his
head still staring at the concrete.

I get it now.

Yes, yes, giggling. I see.

Me: "Of course under the kit and housing
some mammoth double-Ds."

Jim marches circles around the trainer with
his hands out in front of his chest.

Jim: "Water balloons. You could use
water balloons to fill the D-cups."

Me: "Double-D cups and yes water balloons but filled with beer!"

Jim: "Papst Blue Ribbon?"

Me: "It’s Portland. Is it’s cross. Of
course PBR. What else? "

Jim: "They're going to bounce. It'll
take a unique approach especially going over the barriers. It'll require skill,
brother."

Me: "I’ll have to channel my inner
mommy but that's part of the deal. You can't have it both ways."

Jim: "Yep. You either got hooters or
you don't."

Me: (In
my best Bevis voice): “Some men dream of hooters and say, 'Why'? I dream of
beer filled double-Ds and say, ‘Why not?’ ”

Laughter.

Pause.

Jim looks at the bottle. He is worried about
his brother.

Jim: "Are you going to finish that
bottle?"

I put the cork back in it.

Me: "Let's go upstairs. I’ll finish it
some other time."



Joe Zauner

2012-10-16

Brother Jim
reads this Friday evening:

From:
rondot@spiritone.com

To: obra@list.obra.org

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2012 09:41:59 -0700

Subject: [OBRA Chat] OBRA ROCKS!

This
weekend the world of OBRA has FIVE Cyclocross races around for for [sic]
members and newcomers to attend. We are living in maybe the best
Cyclocross environment.

Get
out there and participate or support.

ron
[sic]

---

Jim and I are down in the basement fastening
the Macalu to
the Kurt Kinetic Rock and Roll. Can’t recommend the Rock and Roll aspect of the
Kurt Kenetic but the rest of the machine is pretty sound. There’s a bottle of
wine between us half gone. Jim is a recovering alcoholic. Has been for 20
years. He's less than a year older than I am. We’re pushing 50.

Jim arrived in Portland from Miami Beach in
late July of this year. Till this weekend he's only seen the good Northwest
weather.

I position the rear wheel of the Macalu
into the Kurt Kinetic.

Me: "This is it, brother. You're not
going to see the sun for another six months and the thing that worries me most
about you is you’re a gun owner. And not just a gun owner, but a handgun owner…
A handgun. Jim. Really?”

Jim: "Why is this such a wedge issue
with you?"

There's a pause.

Me: "This weather you've experienced
for the past three months is Northwest Nirvana. Expect withdraws. Next time you
see the sun you're not going to like it. After crawling
around in the dark like a cockroach for six months it’s going to seem
overwhelmingly bright. It’s going to feel like an enormous spotlight beamed
down from a prison guard’s tower."

Jim: "True. It'll take some getting
used to but I’m sure we’ll learn to embrace it again."

I look up at Jim blankly. Then back down at
the trainer.

Me: "Green."

Jim cocks his head. I point at the beefy
threads on the Kurt Kenetic that lock down the dropouts. They're greased with
Phil Wood. Jim shakes his head approvingly.

Me: "How are you so positive, eh?? Why
didn't I get any of that?"

Jim: "What did Staff Sgt. Anderson tell
me when I got orders for Korea? He always said the same thing to anyone who got
orders to a really bad duty station. What did he used say? 'It's what you make
of it.'?"

We chuckle.

Jim goes to something like the position of
attention. He’s our old noncommissioned officer in charge, Staff Sgt. Anderson.

Jim (In
Anderson’s slap happy Virginian drawl): "Camp Red Cloud is a great duty station, son. Just remember, it is what you make of it."

Me (Acting like an Army grunt
getting sent to Korea): "Roger that, Staff Sgt. Fuck Face."

We laugh.

There’s a long pause. No talk while I
tighten the Kurt Kenetic over the dropouts of the Macalu.

I look up. Jim is staring at the cracked
cement floor shaking his head almost imperceptibly.

Me: "Korea: That's where it all
unraveled for you."

Jim: "Let's talk about something else."

Me: "Let's finally talk about how you go from
being a pro-level cyclist to an alcoholic drug addict inside of two years."

Jim: “Those were negative times.”

There's a pause. I'm focused on tightening
the resistance wheel of the Kurt Kinetic onto the rear tire.

Jim: "You should race cross."

Me: "That's a great idea. I really need
another bike."

Jim: "Your wife makes plenty of
money. You can get a good cross bike for less than a grand off the OBRA
list. People sell stuff on there at half retail sometimes still in the box."

I take in a deep breath.

Jim grows wary. He knows how I feel about
cross these days.

Me: "You wanna know what else I should
do, Jim? Eh? Wanna know? I should buy a pink bra and wear it over my kit when I
race. It’ll be my signature. I’ll be the Pink Bra Guy. Wouldn't that be cool?"

There's another pause. Jim is staring at the
concrete again. He seems put off.

Jim: "You should wear it under your kit."

Me: “What?”

Jim: "The bra. You should wear it under your kit."

I look at Jim. He’s grinning, nodding his
head still staring at the concrete.

I get it now.

Yes, yes, giggling. I see.

Me: "Of course under the kit and housing
some mammoth double-Ds."

Jim marches circles around the trainer with
his hands out in front of his chest.

Jim: "Water balloons. You could use
water balloons to fill the D-cups."

Me: "Double-D cups and yes water balloons but filled with beer!"

Jim: "Papst Blue Ribbon?"

Me: "It’s Portland. Is it’s cross. Of
course PBR. What else? "

Jim: "They're going to bounce. It'll
take a unique approach especially going over the barriers. It'll require skill,
brother."

Me: "I’ll have to channel my inner
mommy but that's part of the deal. You can't have it both ways."

Jim: "Yep. You either got hooters or
you don't."

Me (In
my best Bevis voice): “Some men dream of hooters and say, 'Why'? I dream of
beer filled double-Ds and say, ‘Why not?’ ”

Laughter.

Pause.

Jim looks at the bottle. He is worried about
his brother.

Jim: "Are you going to finish that
bottle?"

I put the cork back in it.

Me: "Let's go upstairs. I’ll finish it
some other time."