Daniel Carter

Some of you may not know what Alleycat or Cyclocross racing is, and some of
you do but think the two are crazy or just plain stupid... Well I'm
putting the two together for an extra stupid, profoundly confusing CHARITY
EVENT called an Alleycross
race and you're all
invited! If you need definitions, you can scroll down to the bottom of the
email (seriously, they are down there). Please forward this on to your
friends and enemies.

On to the nitty-gritty: This is a charity race to benefit the Oregon Food
Bank. Spectators get in free, racers must donate at least 4 non-perishable
food items or $10. The race begins at NORMANDALE
PARKon
NE 57th and Halsey St. shortly after 3pm. The start line and
registration are in the center of the park at the covered picnic area.
This covered brick will serve as the finish, reception area, dance floor,
stage, stable, and verbal stoning arena.

Your mission will be to navigate quickly(race) and safely(race) to an
undisclosed location(another park) and perform a myriad of tasks. When
done in order, these tasks will give you the impression you are a
cyclocross racer racing on a cyclocross course. You will appear to be
having fun and exercising at the same time. On-lookers will appear to be
cheering for you and/or heckling you mercilessly, I'll let you decide. Once
done racing on said "cyclocross" course(3+ laps, 1mi per lap), you will
need to "haul it" back to Normandale Park asap to claim your triumphant
victory or ego-shattering defeat. There will be categories for men and
women (maybe several per gender depending on turnout). Feel free to RSVP on
the Facebook event page.

There will be prizes (for winners and some losers)! Many of you will be
rewarded for your hard work, I swear... The value probably won't be
anywhere near equal to the difficulty of the task, but rest assured you'll
feel rewarded just for trying, maybe. To reiterate, actual physical prizes
with a monetary value will be put in your hands for participating in this
event on the date and time of this event, but the feeling of personal
accomplishment, you may not experience for months or even years to come.

You are responsible for your own food, alcohol, support, repairs,
transportation, and general safety and well being. We are simply providing
a playground, a loose set of rules or "guidelines" if you will, and
prizes. We are doing this for Charity and to have some good 'ol muddy
fun. Of course, if you do get injured volunteers will certainly come
immediately to your aid... So long as you promise not to hold any person,
business, or group of people liable for your actions as they are yours and
yours alone. Actions meaning any form of participation in this race. Yours
and yours alone.

Definitions:
Alleycat: informal(unsanctioned) bike race in the city usually including
-but not limited to- navigating through traffic, going to multiple
locations, performing "tasks" at said locations, etc.

Cyclocross: super rad all-terrain bike race (typically formal and
sanctioned) that requires road and mountain bike skills -or no skills at
all what so ever- and often includes navigating through (falling
in/over/onto) mud, grass, hills, stairs, pits of fire, barricades, gravel,
sand, sawdust, puddles, Vietnamese torture apparatuses, or anything you
might see in a Indiana Jones movie (original Indiana Jones movies, not new!
The new ones suck hole).

Alleycross: take the first two definitions and write them down on a piece
of paper. Cut the paper into little bits and mix 'em up. Try to spell
something with the little bits but give up after 15 seconds and go do
something cool: like the Camino in Spain or ride that train across Siberia
or show up at a park with 4 cans of green beans and get into a muddy race
with some bros and beat their asses for cool cycling gear. Then talk smack
while wearing your cool new digs. Then go home and recycle that paper!
This is Portland and people will hunt down and passive-aggressively ask you
if you have a recycling bin and where its located so they can recycle their
scraps of paper...